20120916

I am grateful for Jesus and Christianity. That, unto itself, deserves a whole other post, a whole other blog, on a whole other internet, in a whole other world.

WyGuy was baptised today. It was a beautiful ceremony, following Sunday morning mass. The actual baptism itself went well -- WyGuy was asleep until he jerked at the feeling of the water on his head and some of the water went up his nose and he yelped. Oopsies. He was fine though, and just has some pretty holy nasal cavities. 

I am also very very grateful for understanding friends. It's just always nice to have friends who understand. You don't really owe them any explanation, but you give one anyway, and they understand and tell you there was no explanation needed. I love that.

Being grateful - 20120512

I am grateful for patience and Creative Bag.

One of the things I'm learning as a mother is what true patience really is. There was this one episode of The Simpsons (Oh goodness, I hate that show) where Marge Simpson was telling Lisa (I think it was Lisa?) that when she becomes a mother, she learns to hold in her feelings. I remember hearing that and thinking, "Oh no, what's gonna happen to me?" Well, I learned that very well today.

We were at my nephew's First Communion, at church, and well, D-nut's nap for today took place in the car ride to church. We live maybe, 15-20 minutes away from the church. You do the math. He woke up and saw so many familiar faces, he started to get hyper. Add to that lack of sleep and a desire to snack. He was making a fuss about having milk and we left his sippy cup in the car (don't worry, the cup is insulated as is the bag). He stopped, looked at me with this look I had never seen and yelled, "MILK!!!!" in the middle of the mass. I think any colour I had in my face sank away at that moment. I had it. I looked at Mr.S who had a facial expression I probably had on my face as well and said, "Outside." With that, he swooped D-nut into his arms and brought him to the hallway just outside, where D-nut continued his demands for milk. (Mr.S ended up going to the car to get his sippy cup because of all the fuss he was making, disturbing other parishioners and guests. I also want to add that I couldn't take him outside because I needed to stay with W.)

Oh man, patience is definitely a good thing to have, and to have a LOT of when you're a parent. Oh man.

-o-

Anyway, my nephew/sister prepared some pretty cool goodie bags for all their guests today. Double butter popcorn in resealable bags with a window to see what's inside. You can even seal the top and use the tear notch. Awesome.

Being grateful - 20120408

I am grateful for Easter and Diaper Derbies.

Alleluia! He is Risen!

Easter is one of my favourite holidays. Aside from the fact that it celebrates the main reason for our faith, it is a time for celebration with family. I love fam jams. We didn't get around to doing an actual egg hunt this year (sorry, kids), but it was still a fun gathering.

It was especially nice for our new family of four because our family gathering also welcomed our neWest into the family. My family threw a Diaper Derby for us with our Easter celebration. It was a very nice surprise and we're so grateful for all the diapers and wipes we received (God knows we'll need them!) along with all the gifts that came along with those necessities.

Being grateful - 20120406

I am grateful for sacrifices and the park.

Today is Good Friday, the day we remember Christ's sacrifice for our sins. It is one of the most important days of our faith, as Christians, and we remember this sacrifice every time we pray. I am so grateful for our Saviour and for all that he has brought to us and done for us.

After Good Friday mass, Mr.S thought it would be nice to go for a walk in the park. It was a nice sunny day and so we picked up some coffee (darn, Roll Up the Rim cups were done at the location we went to -- I didn't win anything this time around!) and cookies and went for a nice stroll at the park. With how busy we've been trying to adjust to the juggling that is being new to having two kids, we haven't had much down time to just talk and so Mr.S and I found ourselves walking towards a bench to sit and talk while D munched contentedly on a cookie and W slept soundly and snugly. We were greeted by many fellow walkers and runners who were taking advantage of the day's beauty too. Today was great.

Being grateful - 20120314

I am grateful for work opportunities.

Today is the 1 year anniversary of the first day I went back to work after mat leave and also, my first day at my current job. My boss sent me the first email of the day congratulating me on a job well done in my first year here and thanking me for all that I've done for our team. I truly believe that me getting this job is one of the biggest blessings I've ever been given. With the efforts I've made in my life towards the cure for cancer, this job has made it part of my every day, and every day, when I leave the office, however hard or easy my day was, I know I've helped forward the cause. That's one big thing our CEO emphasizes to everyone in this organization--that all of us are integral in the search for a cure (read more about him in the most recent issue of Canadian Running magazine!).

I actually applied for this job in January of 2011. I applied for a lot of jobs in January of 2011. I went in for an interview a few weeks after I applied and felt really good about it. I knew I really wanted this job because of all the things I would learn, all the things I would get to do and truly felt that all the experience I had gained could really be put to use. Mr.S and I prayed for this opportunity to become part of our lives, but also prayed, even as badly as we wanted it for me, that if it wasn't for me and someone else needed the opportunity more, give it to them. It was a hard prayer to pray, but we just thought it was such a good fit for me that if I didn't get the job, we needed to accept it and not let it interfere with my job search.

I was really in search of another job. My old job was a good one too, with great people, but I just didn't feel fulfilled at the end of the day, didn't use the knowledge I gained in university, nor did I feel like I had much room to grow. I wanted something that would let me commit me to a 9-5 (or 8-4) and no more. I wanted something that didn't require me to travel. I wanted something that I didn't have to think about when I left the office. I wanted something easy. As a new mother, I had other things I wanted on my mind and consuming my time and work was not and is not one of them. I knew this would likely mean a lower position than my last one, but I was okay with it, as long as we didn't suffer financially, and well, I like growing in organizations.

A few weeks after the interview, I got an email from the director saying that I didn't get the job, but I was their second choice, and that she had suggested me for a similar position that would be opening in the coming months, with another team. She was asking my permission to forward my CV to them and I eagerly agreed. It wasn't the team I was originally hoping to work with though, but I'd take it.

After that, I got a few more calls for interviews, some for jobs I applied to and didn't really know why, so I didn't interview, and some I interviewed for. None of them interested me as much as the one I applied for originally. I even got offered a job, without an interview, with one of the organizations I did my first fundraiser for, but because it was a temporary position, I turned it down. What we needed was stability.

Then, a few weeks later, in late February, just when things were starting to get a little scary because my maternity leave was about to end and I wasn't sure of my job situation (my old job was there, as were flexible variations of it, but I wasn't keen on taking it back), I got a call. It was one of the people I interviewed with saying that the candidate they had chosen couldn't stay and with me being their second choice, they were wondering if I was still interested in the position. My heart felt like it was drained of all blood. Um, let me think...HELLSYEAH!

A few days later, I went in to meet the director (who suggested me for that other position that still hadn't been posted for at the time) and what was supposed to be like a second interview, ended up being one of the best conversations I've ever had. Really, she just wanted to get to know me. We ended up sharing experiences of grueling long distance physical feats -- me and marathons, she and Rides to Conquer Cancer. She encouraged me to give it a try one year if I was up to it, and when I said the same to her with marathons, she laughed and told me about her hatred of running. Fair enough! We also ended up talking about our common experiences losing our mothers to leukemia, me at 5, she in her 40s. It was a conversation that, I think, almost brought both of us to tears, and I don't know about her, but it felt like we started out as strangers and left, not only as employee and boss, but as friends.

This job was proving promising already.

When I officially started, I loved it right away. The people were great, the job was great, and the fulfillment was amazing. It also helped that the team was instantly loving the way I was doing things and shared their feelings about how they didn't feel the first hire was a good fit for the team. I was learning so much right away, much of it the nitty gritty behind the cause, the efforts going into not just finding a cure, but improving the quality of the existing system, efforts to make the experience for cancer patients as pleasant as possible. There was so much hard work being done, and so much of it isn't seen. I was, and am, working for an organization whose sole purpose is to make things better for those affected by cancer in Ontario, advising the government on how best to do it.

In the year I've been here, I've met so many people, worked with so many varieties of people with a variety of levels of education and made so many friends. Although my director left after a few months of working together, we still keep in touch and she comes by once in a while. One of my team members went on maternity leave, another went back to school to finish her last year of university and the last of the original team I started with, the one who called me to offer me this job, is moving to another team within the organization and we share our last day on the 30th.

I am so grateful for the past year and this job.

24 years

I haven't seen my Mom in 24 years. At least not in the flesh. If your Mom is still around, give her a hug today, maybe talk to her about something in your life that you want only her thoughts on. Just listen to what she has to say. Maybe say sorry for something you did or maybe hear her out on something she has wanted to share with you.

That's what I'm trying to do today. The hard part is listening because it's not my ears that I have to use. I close my eyes and she's right here with me, while I'm up and the boys are asleep, all 3 of them. I feel her in my mind, in my blood, in the love I have for my family and friends and mostly in my heart. Though my memory of her often feels as though she's a fictional character in a story I wrote and am still writing, I know that she's real and that she's here. The pain in my chest has left me with an open wound that's 24 years old now and I've been working for that long to close it up, working with my siblings who share the same wound, with my husband, my sons, my family and, of course, God. Every so often I get close to closing it up, but there are times when it opens up again, sometimes bigger than the last time. It's strange because many of those times are the times when I need her most, when I could really use her presence and struggle to find her. But those are the moments she's closest and in all my frustration, worry and doubt, I'm too blind to see and too deaf to hear.  She is right there waiting for me to feel her and to remember that though she's not physically beside me, she's still here for me as my mother. That, never changed.

And so lately, in my silent talks with her that resemble prayers more closely than they do conversation, she says the the same things to me:

Be patient
Have faith
Be open
Be strong
Remember
Be grateful

These are often the same things she says to me every time, and because I get so easily distracted, I forget.

But today isn't all sad. Every year today, we all get together and remember her and celebrate her life. Though it often feels like a loss, it is also a huge gain. Not many people's mothers are angels in heaven too.

Being grateful - 20120222

I am grateful for Lent and Mr. Sub.

Today is Ash Wednesday, the beginning of Lent in our church. It's a period of time where we can prepare ourselves for the resurrection of our Saviour and to remember the sacrifice he made for us. A time for reflection and penance, I find myself thinking about what to give up or what to take on for Lent. In the past few years, I decided to take on more, and this year, I haven't yet decided what I'd like to do. I know, I'm already a little late given that today is already Ash Wednesday and that means Lent has begun. But hopefully, whatever it is, maybe I've already started giving it up or taking it on.

Lent also means giving up meat on Fridays and on Ash Wednesday. I had a seafood sub for lunch today. I love seafood subs. Subway got rid of theirs for some reason, so whenever I want one, I make my way to Mr.Sub.

Blessings from God

I don't think it's a secret that Mr.S and I would like to have a big family. I came from a big family and I have nothing bad to say about it. Yes it was hard at times, maybe more so than if we were a small family, yes we didn't have everything, yes we struggled, but it's the struggles that make you stronger and give you character, experience, and a different outlook on life. Easy is boring, I think. People often tell me and have been telling me since I was a kid that it seemed/seems like it's always fun in my family. And well, it is. Never a dull moment. I had a friend who would call our house and wish she had come over because it sounded so fun. And with our family growing all the time, it's always the more, the merrier.

I was reading this this morning and the only reason I clicked on it was because the link to it said "The Duggars' startling quote". What is so startling about them wanting to have more kids if God gives them that blessing? Some people think the Duggars need to just stop, but I'm of the same mind as them. It's not like they're harming anyone by having more kids, and not like their other 19 would be neglected if they were having another child. And they're not saying they're actively trying for a 21st, they saying that child would be welcome. Would you tell God, "Okay, that's enough, I don't want anymore of your blessings"? I wouldn't. And I'm glad my parents didn't either.

Enter the Guilt

I wasn't sure if I wanted write about this. But I believe that it's gonna be okay, and I figured I could get some feedback from you mothers of more-than-one.

I'm feeling guilty about having another baby be my baby other than D-nut. The days with him as our only baby are winding down, and I'm really starting to feel like our days of just us are numbered. Ugh, I'm gonna cry. It's never gonna be just him again. When this new baby comes, my attention will have to be divided into at least half, and I feel like the chances of me missing things in D's growth are going to increase. I don't want to miss things. He's growing so quickly and is picking up things so fast. I've already missed enough having decided to go back to work.

And then there's this little baby, whose mother is going to be worrying so much about what she's missing with the older one, that this one doesn't get all the attention the older one had at his age. It's bad enough I've forgotten what infants do and when! Does that stuff jump back into your memory with the baby jumps out of your womb? Can I be a good mother to two children?

I've been thinking about it day and night for weeks, moreso than in the months before that.


Then, on Sunday at mass, during D's regular I'm-bored-I'm gonna wander-around-the-baptismal-font-and-see-what-I-find walk, he saw two kids, a boy and his little sister, around D's age, playing. Usually, when he sees other kids, especially those around his age, he approaches them and sorta tries to hang out with them. These two, though, were the first set of siblings we've ever seen him just watch. The age difference between the two kids looked like two years, just like D and his baby brother will be. He just watched them play and talk to each other and kept turning around to look at us and smile. He'd walk over to get a closer look if they were moving around, but he never actually approached them. He just kept looking at us and smiling.

Oh, the peace I felt in my heart after that. It's like his smile said, "Ma, it's gonna be okay, I want one of those for me too." And then with the next smile, "Ma, really, I'm sure, this is gonna work." And then with the next smile, "Really, can I have my baby brother now?" And then with the next smile, "Trust me. We're gonna be fine."

In all my worries, I had forgotten that this baby I'm carrying is not just a gift to Mr.S and me, but to our D-nut. My siblings are the best gift I've ever gotten from my parents, and whatever attention I missed out on from them, was made up by the attention I got/get from my siblings.

So, this is gonna be great!

Have Faith

My niece asked me to be her confirmation sponsor. I am SO honoured. I love being a sponsor and godmother. It's such a huge responsibility and helps me re-realize my faith. I've never been a confirmation sponsor though, and so far, it's quite different. It's also because the process is very involved at her church and it's got me really examining my faith and learning more about our religion.

I went to one of the confirmation meetings at their church and it really opened up my eyes about our and others' perceptions of Roman Catholicism. We were separated into adults and confirmation candidates (or confirmande as our dear Friar Guy would say) and then further separated into groups. We all had to answer the same sets of questions, and the confirmation candidates presented theirs. When we were put into groups, it was amazing how complex we got, how critical and broad we got in our answers. Then when they presented, it all seemed so simple and straightforward. Some of their answers didn't even cross my mind, and yet I knew that if I was back in 8th grade, I would have had those same answers. It got me thinking -- when did all this complication and complexity come about? What happened to simple, straightforward thinking about our faith? There are so many misconceptions about our faith and so many things we, as Catholics, don't even know. I definitely need to learn more, which is odd, considering I thought I knew a lot.

I'm reading a book that all the candidates and sponsors received called, Have Faith (see bottom right). It goes over many things about our faith, Jesus' teachings and such and I'm learning quite a lot. Each section gives the candidate and sponsor an opportunity to go over what they read and really get in touch with each other. It's teaching me so much, and I've only started section 2.

While I'm expected to do some teaching in this role, I know I'm going to do a lot of learning too.

Thoughts on Mommyhood - The first scare

Being a mother is hard work. While there are definitely rewards and more sweet moments than I can count, the tough times that are really draining. I learned that this past week.

D-nut got his first round of immunizations last week. He didn't freak out when he got the two shots, nor did he have any fever or strange side effects, but he did become inconsolable after he woke up from the nap that began on the ride home from the doctor. Poor guy. I heard a whole other kind of cry and it just broke my heart. It was so sad to see him be so upset and not have much to comfort him with other than feeding and Tempra...both of which worked. He was a-ok the day after.

Then this weekend, we had quite possibly the most emotionally draining and terrifying experience of our lives thus far.

Scared.
Sad.
Frustrated.
Worried.
Confused.

All understatements, but the best words to describe it.

As a new mother in completely foreign territory, I found myself trying to put on the bravest face, meanwhile trying my hardest not to completely lose it, become useless and fall to my knees and beg God for mercy (which I did anyway). We prayed all day, prayers for help, for strength, for courage and patience and then surrender to His will. Tough stuff. I once heard that a mother's prayer for her child is the strongest prayer there is. I wasn't about to deny that.

There were also tears, lots of them and at first I felt like maybe I should stop crying so much. Then I realized: who says tears are signs of weakness, of giving up? I can cry because I'm scared and worried but still be hopeful and faithful that he's fine. I can cry with my husband for our son and it's okay.

I dreaded this day, the day when my first child would have his first scary experience, likely more scary for his parents than for him. It's so upsetting to not know what exactly is wrong and not be able to get clarification from him. Ugh. What was baffling was that he seemed totally fine, totally himself.

It turned out he was fine, no harm done and nothing to worry about. All the hours spent with my family in waiting rooms, in examination rooms, holding him until my arms felt like they were gonna give...all worth it just to hear he was okay.

Phew.

We love her...

Another leaf

It's 2:58AM.

There is silence in our home, a peacefulness of the greatest kind. This peace is echoed in my heart and soul. And the joy that I feel is resounding.

Then comes the most beautiful sound heard among all these things. It comes from my son. He is here, and I look at him and am reminded of so many things; among them are the love and life I share with my husband, the mother I've wanted to be and am now given the opportunity to become, and the love of He who blessed me with so much. I am so, so grateful and so, so humbled at the mere thought that this is my life now. I'm finally here and at the same time I wonder how I got here so quickly.

And so, I turn over another leaf. Life just gets better and better.

A good sermon

Mr. S and I have been going to the same church we got married at even though we no longer live in the area (or well, I no longer live in the area since he never lived in the area in the first place). We find that when we go to some other churches, the masses and the experiences just aren’t the same and we don’t feel as spiritually enriched as we usually do when we leave our parish. We love feeling spiritually enriched.

I think one of the important parts of the mass is the sermon. I learned early on from my father how important it is that priests give good sermons at mass because the parishioners don’t take those words lightly. They come from someone they see as somewhat of a leader, someone who can explain the readings at mass, not just so that we can understand them more clearly but also accurately. There are a lot of people who will believe anything a priest says and if that priest is wrong, you’ve got a lot of misled people walking out of that church. (Believe me, my father has approached priests after mass many a time, to help them better understand the readings because some priests completely miss it…or don’t refer to them at all. I should also add that my father was/is a bible scholar, and was a seminarian, so he’s not completely out of line.)

We love the priests at our parish. We particularly love the one who married us (we hope he’s there forever!). Mr. S loves his sermons. He’s very clear and concise and gives the kind of sermons you can’t not listen to.

This weekend though, we had a guest at our parish, our archbishop. I have to say, he gave one of the best sermons I’ve ever heard.

After he explained he readings, he started to elaborate on why we go to church, why we pray, and other such things. If I had been attending mass as someone struggling with my faith, I think that sermon, alone, would have brought me back. The way he explained things made you realize just how simple faith really is. I don't believe faith is a complicated thing, and I guess that's one of the reasons I've been able to strengthen mine.

If you’d like to know more about his sermon, let me know. I know religion can be a touchy subject for some people, so I think it might be better to just talk about it. I'd be happy to know your thoughts too. I just couldn’t go without blogging about it. The whole mass was exceptional and had me in tears. I love moments like that where I remember.

Christmas 2009

I had a llllllong draft all about the holidays so far, and I decided that it might be better to do it with pictures. Here goes...

We had our office holiday party at The Sultan's Tent. This is my boss with the belly dancer.

With some of my work GFs

Then we had our annual Christmas party with our friends. Here are some pics of our super-fun Gift Card Yankee Swap.

Linda started -- which is the worst thing in a Yankee Swap. BUT, she did happen to pull out the envelope with the CASH instead of a gift card!

Dee picks out my gift card...to Anthropologie!!! (I was so tempted to steal it!)

Mr.S' turn -- he steals the cash from Linda...and then even though it's all the same, I stole the cash from him.

Miss L2B gets Mr.S' Toys R Us card...They ended up swapping later on (for a Tim Horton's card) because well, we're really the only ones who could use a Toys R Us one right now!

Linda picked up a Best Buy card, had it stolen, re-picked and ended up with an Esso gift card. I think she's the only one of all of us who does NOT drive.

Then came time for the annual get together with my BGFFs (best girl friends forever haha!). We did pot luck again, since, well, we're all pretty gifted in the kitchen!

Our buffet (clockwise from the top): baked mac & cheese, caesar salad, veggie lumpia (is there an actual name for this? lumpiang gulay maybe?), lumpiang shanghai, naan, beef pot pie, butter chicken, potato salad, inihaw na baboy (pork BBQ). MIA: mini quiches, stuffed mushrooms, red velvet cake, truffles, chocolate-covered cheesecake poppers

The Gals, armed with our accessory for this year, antlers. We all go back at least 12 years.

Miss H2B and me, sporting our matching feather head bands.

Christmas Eve was held at home, as usual. I didn't go overboard this year with the baking, and instead devoted my time to cooking, both for our dinner and the various potlucks we'd be having at family Christmas parties over the next few days.

Our Christmas eve dinner -- I made a mean clam chowder, I have to say. I think it's so good, I'll add it to my list of "potluckable" dishes. Also here: Mr. S' scallopped potatoes and my baked spaghetti (which was actually fettucine because my brother boiled too much fettucine earlier, so I decided to just use it)

Us, by the tree.

And now, some pics of our gifts...

Mr.S with his stocking stuffers.

Baby brother likes to wrap gifts in mysterious shapes to throw us off. This is how he does it. (It was actually a pair of what will soon be my favourite pair of pants.)

Baby brother and his gift from Santa for his new hobby (that I hope, hope, hope he doesn't end up loving...geez, he likes dangerous things!)

I was good this year. Santa got me a Dutch oven, which has been on my wishlist for.ev.er. OMG.

My gift from Mr.S. Ally McBeal is my most favouritest show of all time. This is what I'm doing with my spare time while on maternity leave. (Can "spare time" and "maternity leave" even be in the same sentence?)

Mr.S with his gifts from Santa -- a Jack Johnson package, which also came with an autographed poster!

My gift to Mr.S -- for timing his runs (as in running, not diarrhea). This also came with a video game.

A cushy cushy blanket from Baby Brother for the Baby.

My very first gift from our baby. Love You Forever by Robert Munsch. Needless to say, I cried...and cried and cried when I opened it.

Mr.S' gift from our baby. A fetal doppler to hear his heartbeat.

Then came Christmas day and parties with our families.

With my in-laws, we decided to do Kris Kringle this year, which was an excellent idea!

Then we played a game, sorta like Hedbanz. I was so disappointed -- I didn't guess mine :(

Mr.S, on the other hand, got two rounds because he and our cousin were so good (and I didn't help him cheat).

Poor Vader, our "nephew" just wanted some turkey.

Then it was off to my sister's house for the gathering with my side of the family.

We're BIG.

MAYHEM!!!!

Some of us were so amused by our gifts, we didn't even open them completely before we used them. (HAHAHA!! Sorry Lei, I had to...look at how amused Dad is by you!)

Then, when the night died down, it was time for marshmallows by the fireplace.

Then we were pooped.

We slept over at my sister's house and early in the morning, the Autobots (i.e. my brother, Mr.S and the brothers-in-law) went Boxing Day shopping. They came back with some awesome deals.

They're so pretty.

One of the boxing day deals: a guitar for my niece.

Nail central - where you get yo nails did.

Karaoke. Thanks to these guys, I dodged it this year. PHEW!

And that's all for now, folks. Just a few (even though I know it's a LOT). Hope your Christmas was full of blessings and love.

And here are some pics of my baking...

Something about Parenting and "Childing"

I got another good GOOP newsletter yesterday. I love Gwyneth Paltrow when I read some of these things. Anyway, I found yesterday’s particularly interesting, inspiring and informative. As I was telling Mr. S last night, lately I find myself enjoying reading things about life and finding that these things I’m reading are already things I’ve incorporated into my quest for spiritual growth. It makes me feel that I’m already well on my way to self improvement, and of course, that's a good thing.

The newsletter was a BE one, my favourite of all her different “GOOPs”. Here’s the question she asked several people:

“Relationships with our parents are notoriously difficult. When we children grow into adults, year after year, the same buttons still get pushed, the same grudges resurface. After years of repeatedly dealing with the same hang-ups, and for some, years of therapy, why is it so hard to accept our parents for who they are? What can we do to be better children to our parents?”

Here is an excerpt from the latest Goop – BE.

“There are no coincidences in this life. When it comes to the topic of family, we are each born into our situations for a specific reason...In order for us to be happy and fulfilled, to reveal our potential, and to accomplish what we came to this world to accomplish, there must be a process of change we go through. Sometimes that change is effected simply by ourselves; other times it is people or events that push us in ways that force us to change....

“Some of us are born to parents who judged, ignored, or hurt us. The choice for us becomes, are we going to be a slave to our past – “Why did they do this to me?” – or are we going to grow from the pain – “Why did I need them to do this to me?” One focuses on blame and victimhood; the other puts us in control of our lives...Too often we ask the wrong why, and it becomes very difficult to move on...When we realize our soul needed to come into this particular household in order to break through, to grow from, and to become the person we need to become, we begin to let go of the anger, blame, disappointment – and all the guises of the victim mentality. When we realize how necessary this was for us, we can then forgive and grow thankful. Ultimately, when we reach this level of thankfulness, having gone through the stages of change, transformation, letting go, growth, and forgiveness, we come to a point where we can start helping our parents." - Michael Berg

You can read it in its entirety here. I think so much of what is being said can be applied to all relationships, not just those we have with our parents.

How to for new Moms

Obviously, I've been thinking about being a mother more and more as the months have been going by. I think in the back of my mind, I've always been collecting bits of motherhood I've observed, read, learned and experienced (of course, more so after the huge section of my head reserved for weddings moved from the back...to the front...to oblivion). These days though, I find, with my husband, that we're becoming sponges, paying more attention to things around us, making mental lists of things we want to do with our kids, things we don't want to do with our kids, things we need to do to ensure that our kids are this way (and not that way!), the list is endless really.

What is it though, that I need to do to ensure that I become a good mother, the mother I've always dreamt of being? I've had parts of this conversation with my siblings, my parents and friends and these days, I find that chunks of it are with my husband, with myself and with God.

As I get closer and closer to being a "full-fledged* Mom**", I get closer and closer to living my biggest dream. Even associating the word, "Mom" with myself gives me this sense of purpose, fulfilling purpose. Whenever I was asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, I gave the usual answer of a profession or occupation. As long as I can remember though, my real answer was wife and mother, that I was sure of, then -insert career of the moment here-.

Not only that though, I feel like all my dreams aligned with that one big dream. I felt unmotivated in university and instead of focusing on one thing directed towards a specific profession, I found myself delving into all sorts of unrelated fields, eager just to finish, so I could work and begin putting together my own life so I could get on with my plans. While I did well in school and jobs I've had, I didn't/don't felt real emotional and spiritual links to them. Those have been reserved for my passions -- my boyfriend-now-husband, my family, my friends and my independence. But once I got going, realizing dream after dream, I got going.

And now, here I am.

I'm trying to piece together all the little bits I've collected and I think I know what I'm doing and am going to do, but I find myself wondering if I'm ready. Am I ready to lose sleep to a crying baby, then to a teenager coming home past their curfew? Am I ready to discipline a child despite how much I want to either laugh or cry? Am I ready for tantrums, innocent questions, strange misunderstandings, going back to imagining worlds, and all sorts of other stuff we forget about as we get older? Am I ready for the cooing and the crawling and the walking and the running (oh yes, the running!)? Am I ready to chase this child through life? Am I ready to let them go when it's time? I hope it comes naturally. I feel ready in almost every way and in all the important aspects, but I think I won't be completely ready until this little baby has completed the move from my imagination, to my heart, to my womb, to the world.

My husband assures me that I'm going to be a good mother. The first time he ever expressed it was one time long ago, before we were even married, at my parents' house. We were in the kitchen and I was getting us something to eat and as I was putting it all together, he sorta just blurted it out. I couldn't really understand what made him say it then, but I believed him. I thought about the moment for years to come. It's one thing for you to think it all your life and another thing for your partner to confirm his belief in it too.

These days, since we talk about it a lot more, he tells me about the things he sees us doing one day and how excited he is to see me as a Mother. I think he dreams about it as much as I do with him and the baby. He patiently answers my questions, especially the ones when I'm seeking to fill in blanks that I had growing up motherless for a time, and never ceases to console me when I find myself going back to that challenging period in my life. He reminds me in so many ways that despite that time, I've had and have many people to fill that part of my life with overflowing love and lessons, enough to make my own Mom sure that I'm going to be a good Mom.

My faith in myself and in God becomes stronger every day as I pray for His guidance. There isn't a more important "job" in the world than the one I'm about to have. I don't take this Mom-thing lightly (if you couldn't tell already) and I know I need to be prepared. I know that whatever happens, I have Him to cheer me on when I'm happy, to console me when I'm sad, to keep me strong when I'm weak, to give me energy when I'm tired, to give me more patience when I'm at my wits end, to keep me faithful when I falter, to love me all the time. I know He has equipped me with everything I need to be a good Mother. I just need to keep remembering that.

I am strong.

I was built for this.

And I must be getting some of this down because I'm already fretting about being a Mother and isn't that one of the things good Mothers do?

*full-fledged as in not a "Mom-to-be" as us preggies are called -- aren't we Mothers already? I mean, just because our babies aren't out of our bodies, doesn't make us sub-Moms...right?

**yes, it requires a capital M

Inspired

One of the good things about having sisters and friends is that they tell you about things that are worthwhile. And often, these things are things that they love and that they know you'll love too.

My sisters introduced me to NieNieDialogues a while back and I'm so happy they did. This woman, Stephanie Nielson, has been writing a blog for years, with countless subscribers. She writes about all sorts of things, about her every day life, about the things she's grateful for, about her children, about her husband, about her faith... Then one day, a tragic accident changed her life drastically and in turn, the lives of her family members. Her sister reposted some of her old entries in the time following the accident, while she was in a coma and then during her recovery. Then she came back and started writing again.

Hearing that she was going to be on the Oprah show, my sisters and I exchanged a flurry of excited emails this week. We were so excited to be able to see this woman, one of our common heroes, on TV, telling her story.

As if it was a Lost night, I made sure to give the show my undivided attention and even stopped eating my dinner until it was time for commercial breaks.

This woman (and her sister, who happens to also be pregnant right now!) has already been an inspiration to me, my sisters and countless other people all over the globe, and seeing her on the show was a whole other story.

She's a testament to the resiliency of human beings. After the accident, she had burns covering 80% of her body. The possibility of her survival and the likelihood of her getting back to the routine of everyday life were grim. But, she came back, against the odds, and for the love she has for her family.

She's a testament to good mothers everywhere. Learning about how she is has truly inspired me and has made me even more eager to be a mother (didn't know that was possible!). It was like seeing what my sisters talk about so often, about how motherhood is a gift.

She AND her husband are a testament to love and it was so nice to see that what she talks about in her blog can actually be seen in real life. They're in love, and it's easy to see it. SO REFRESHING.

I could go on and on and on, but I think to really get the idea, you'd have to follow her.

Thanks NieNie!

Bittersweet

My sister will be arriving tomorrow with her 18-year old son. When she leaves this city, she will be returning home on her own. My nephew will be going to school here, at the same university and same campus as his father did. As excited as I am to have my nephew living back in Toronto after so long, my heart cries for my sister, my brother (in-law), their daughters and their beautiful boxer as they bravely and proudly send their son, Kuya and master with well wishes and much love. It can’t be easy.

I cannot fathom at this point what it’s like to sacrifice being in the presence of your child every day for his education and well-being. I admire parents all over the world for being so brave and so strong. I think about what it was like when I wanted to go away for university and at the time, I felt so much resentment towards my parents for not letting me go. But now, I realize that it was a good move because of where I am now. I know my nephew’s got a lot of change going on in his life, but I have complete faith that this decision made collectively by him and his parents is one that will shoot him up among the stars, where he’s always belonged.

I promise, we’ll take excellent care of him, Ate.

...and I’m holding on to the umbilical cord of my child for as long as I can. j/k

1 Year Later

I’ve been the happiest I’ve ever been for a whole year now.

Some of the most common words said to us before we got married were, “Good luck. Marriage is hard.”

So far, I have no idea what these people are talking about. I realize that when you add more variables to the equation, it gets more challenging, but this past year has been a dream. I like to think that years from now, we won’t forget what this past year was like and we’ll be able to continue to live in this state of euphoria for years to come, or at least, for the most part. If this year is indicative at all of how our marriage will be overall, I’ll be a happy camper.

It’s still hard to believe that we’re married. I know I promised in my second post that I would talk all about the wedding experience, and I have a really long draft, but I’ve decided to (really) condense it, and well, keep some of those things in my heart instead of online. There are still so many things about that day though that I’d like to share.

My Speech
I had maybe 25 drafts of my speech that I had written anywhere between two years and 2 days before our wedding. I had trouble deciding which one to go with, and the ones that sorta took bits from others ended up being too long. There’s only so much spewing from the heart that guests can take until they find you and your new husband boring. So when it came time to finally print one, I couldn’t find the files – ANY of them. I had lost my speech and it was the night before my wedding. It was actually a blessing that I had lost it. I sat there with my laptop staring at me with the same face I had. BLANK. I ended up writing my speech on only a few minutes – it was clear, concise, not too long (right?) or at least not as long as the others I had written, for sure, and it said everything I had wanted to say. It’s rare that I’m able to do that.

My wedding gift
The gift I gave to my would-be-husband came in several parts, some of which were things I had been putting together from before we even started dating officially, to things I had purchased not long before the wedding. They were things that he’d enjoy years from the wedding day, things he had already enjoyed and will enjoy again and things he’d enjoy that day. I couldn’t decide on just one gift and I’m glad I gave him his gifts the way I did. Each gift had its own significance and was given to him from me through each of his groomsmen as well as his parents, with a note and instructions – the entire thing was similar to the way he had proposed to me.

Bad luck shmad luck
You know how they say it’s bad luck for the bride and groom to see each other before the wedding? Well guess what? We did. We made a point to go to confession before the ceremony and had tried to time it so that we wouldn’t run into each other. The line for confessions ended up being a bit longer than we had thought. When I walked into the church at the time we had allotted for me, the first person I saw was him and I sorta froze in my tracks and then proceeded to the end of the line. It was kinda funny running into him at that time and that place because that was actually where it all started. It was a nice way to bookend our courtship.

That was the last time I saw him the way I used to see him.

The Walk
The walk down the aisle was surreal. Really, there’s no other word for it. In my mind, I had pictured this moment over a million times and never once did I imagine other people there. I’m not sure why. But still, as it was happening, the only person I really saw was him and he was a totally different person from that moment on. It really was a truly spiritual experience.

I didn’t actually walk down the aisle. My legs literally gave, and this is me -- I have strong legs (haha). My parents had to really hold on to me and during the smiling and the tears (oh my, did I do the ugly cry!) they still kept asking if I was okay because they had to practically carry me.

The Readings and the Hymns
My husband and I chose the readings, the intentions and wrote some of our own intentions as well. It’s kind of rare to find that both partners make the wedding plans together, but we felt that since it was OUR wedding, we should make all the decisions together. All in all, it was a collaborative effort, extremely fun and quite seamless. My favourite reading in the whole wide world was read by my Goddaughter as the second reading. I was so thrown by how perfectly she read it. The readings to choose from were all beautiful, but the ones we chose seemed to be perfect for the type of people we are. (However, I had no idea one of the readings was actually about sexual love until our priest talked about it in his homily!!!)

The hymns were sung by one of our favourites – my brother-in-law’s sister. She helped us choose which hymns would work and also incorporated our personal choices into the ceremony. I chose the closing hymn, my absolute favourite, For The Beauty of the Earth as composed by John Rutter, and my husband chose the accompaniment for the opening, played by one of our bestfriends on his guitar – Unbelievable by Craig David and Only You by Joshua Radin.

Our Rides
In keeping with the eco-wedding theme, we had some Priuses to drive the wedding party in and we travelled around in style in a Smartcar. It’s different from any car you’ve ever driven and I admit at first I hated it, but the longer we had it (we had it for a few days) the more I grew to love it. And when we filled up the tank before we returned it and saw that it cost us less than $15, I loved it even more. I feel like if I were to choose a car that’s like me, it’d be a Smartcar. My hygienist has one though and when I told her we’re thinking of getting one some day, she told me she doesn’t recommend it because they’ve changed it so that it takes only premium gas instead of diesel since owners were complaining it didn’t have enough power. There were other reasons too, so when the time comes, we’ll see if it’s worth it. It’d be nice to drive around in our wedding car every day :)

For Our Guests
When you go to a wedding, it’s expected that it’s about the couple. And of course, why not, right? We felt that it might be nice to have our guests—our family and friends, know how involved they were in the entire day, the entire journey that we’ve been on. Each table had several photo trees. These photos were of pictures of the guests at the tables from memorable moments we had with them – just something they could take in during the night, and after, if they wanted, they could take whatever photos they wanted home. Our main giveaways were trees – seedlings and seeds to plant that would help our guests help the earth, which was one of our main goals with the theme we chose. We also had candles that we had made ourselves with beeswax and non-lead wicks which burned the entire night. Since they were made from natural materials, they released less toxins in the air than other kinds of candles. Our guests took these home as well. We still have several boxes full that weren’t taken home but we like to use them around the house.

Our First Dance
We danced to “our song” (do teenagers still do that?) and I think the entire moment was surreal. We had intended to tack on a funny dance after but we didn’t have time to finish the choreography. I think it was better that way because it ended up just as I had imagined it all these years and it sorta felt like we were the only ones in the room, even though everyone was there. Even though we didn’t do anything as silly as originally planned, it was still us.


The Speeches
To this day, our family and friends still tell us about how we had some excellent speeches that night. What can we say? We hang out with excellent speakers! I think the speeches each had the perfect amounts of funny, sentimentality, humiliation (for us, of course!) and charisma. They were perfect lengths too. We LOVED them.

Paper paper paper
My sister was the genius behind our branding. Everything was green, coordinated, and if you know me, you know I’m all about coordination and green. It just keeps everything nice and tight. In our home now, we’ve put together all our stationery from our wedding and it’s so beautiful to look at. Everything matches and everything is us. Also, everything that was printed for before we were married was square, and everything for after was circular. I hope that our guests saved some of this stuff – it was so beautiful!

The Cake
We had a very simple cake. It was delicious, and I think that’s more important than what it looks like. Remember, some bakers put icing on styrofoam and add it to the cake. Styrofoam probably doesn’t taste very good. The big thing with our cake though was our bobblehead. One day, we thought of it and magically, we found a company that made them. All you had to do was take a few pictures of yourself, send them in and you’d get the proofs to approve, then the finished product. It’s definitely the best bobblehead in my husband’s collection.

The Heroes
Our wedding party was made up of a group of phenomenal people. Our Matron of Honour, Man of Honour, Best Man, Bridesmaids, Groomsmen, Flowergirls, Ring Bearer, Coin Bearer, Principal Sponsors, Secondary Sponsors, Readers, Emcees and of course, our parents made up such an amazing team. Our wedding party was MASSIVE. Of course, there are much larger, but in a typical wedding like ours, it was big, and well, it’s because we’re fortunate to have big families and lots of friends.

It was so great to work with them and they were always so patient and so willing and available to help. Some of them who’ve been through this before always offered excellent advice and ideas and we were so grateful for that. We had a great time whenever we got them together and sometimes we even wish for reunions, but then we realize it’d be a little weird to have a wedding party reunion. There are always family and kids parties when we’ll all be together down the road, right? ;)

My Husband
How could I not go on about my husband? He was half the reason for the day!

Since we’ve been married, he’s a totally different person to me. The change that some people talk about when they marry someone sometimes refers to adjusting to habits, to living together, to weird quirks, but for me, the biggest change was not in things he did or things he said, the way he acted or the way he looked (even though he finally shaved his beard after growing it for MONTHS). It was in the way he was to me and the way he treated me.

He’s always treated me well, but it was different. It’s hard to explain. It’s like there’s more love in everything now, even though there was love before. It all just feels really different and really well, nice! It’s about knowing that I have this person, this partner with me for the rest of our lives and we’ve promised that we’re going to continue to love each other no matter what. It’s knowing that I’m going to create life with this man and we’re going to work together and do our best to make things work with the lives we create. It’s an unwavering faith that we are going to be just fine, because we’ve been that way all along. It's about continuing to make each other better people, because that's exactly what he does for me. He makes me want to be better, be bigger, all while making me love the person I already am. He makes me want to make the world a better place so our children can benefit and do the same for their children.

I feel my husband’s love just like how I feel God’s love. It protects me. It heals me. It nourishes me. It keeps me strong. There’s nothing like love like that.


And so, a year later, we remember the first day we lived happily ever after.